“If the sweater and the skirt are that tight, a man figures that you are distressed merchandise” Helen Gurley Brown, Sex and the Single Girl

I love Halloween.  It’s my favorite holiday, followed by Independence Day (where we play Fizzball & watch Independence Day) and then Christmas.  Ian always makes us great, award-winning couples Halloween costumes–we’re two of Buzzfeed’s 25 Best-Ever Costumes (The Maitlands and Alien & Ripley)–and this year, well, you’ll just have to wait and see.

Hi. I’m Completely Boring.

But ladies, LADIES, the “Sexy NOUN” costumes have GOT to stop.  I don’t mean to be harsh, but you all look like idiots.  There is no such thing as “Sexy Beetlejuice.”  Corn is never going to be “Sexy.”  You might as well just announce, “Hi, I’m dressed up as Daddy Issues,” when you cram yourself into a Sexy Chewbacca costume.

How You Doin’, Baby?

There’s nothing wrong with being attractive or flaunting what you’ve got (unless you don’t have it, which seems to be the trend among girls who pick up a “Sexy” Halloween costume at whatever sad Spirit store popped up in the abandoned JCPenny’s near their college).  But for Heaven’s sake, have a little class and creativity.  Nobody think you’re hot.  Do guys hoot and holler when you do that little finger-to-the-duckface pose?  Yes.  But those type of guys would hoot and holler at a lamp if someone put a lacy bra on it and anyways, they’re probably bad in bed, which is why hey have to go to bars and pick up sorority girls dressed like Slutty Cinderella.

And before all you fake-feminist tramps start accusing me of being a “hater” and “slut shaming” (oh grow up) I’m not against costumes that happen to be sexy.  If you want to dress like Lara Croft or Bettie Page, rock on.  Just put some effort into it–the kind that doesn’t come in a plastic bag for $49.99.