Tag Archives: The Shield

Beautiful TMI

“Just because chorus girls have to shave their legs and underarms is no reason why women in general should turn their nose up at the practice” Florence Courtenay, Physical Beauty (1922)

One of the things neither HGB or Arlene discusses is how to take care of body hair.  I imagine they trust that ladies are shaving their arms and legs, but they don’t give any discussion to maintaining the downstairs carpet.  Of course, every modern ladies’ magazine in the whole universe treats you as if you’re some kind of monster if your batch is anything but smooth, and it’s one of the few things I actually have image issues about.  I just can’t bring myself to shave it all off or wax–trim, yes, but not yank it all out by the roots–and I occasionally panic that this means I am an unsexy freak.

ImageHOWEVER, they both say to give a man what he wants, and I’ve found a quote from one of the sexiest men in the entire universe, Walton Goggins, that puts my anxieties to rest and pretty much settles the discussion forever: “Can I tell you how much I miss pubic hair? To me, if the size of a penis dictates virility, the length of a woman’s pubic hair dictates her femininity.” (New York Magazine, Jan. 14 2013). 

This, of course, from a man who once uttered the words, “Eatin’ ain’t cheatin’,” securing my permanent spot on #TeamShane,  so his declaration to let it all grow is that much sexier.   After all, isn’t the real heart of this project to be feminine for the man I adore?  (So what if we’ve never met and probably won’t ever–a girl can dream, can’t she?)

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How To Sound Like an Idiot

“Don’t look overjoyed when a man dates you up.  Act as if you could take them or leave them, and it doesn’t matter which to you.” Dorothy Dix, How to Win and Hold a Husband.

ImageSo let’s say there’s this guy I like.  Older guy, blonde, big muscled arms, beautiful lips. Okay, let’s just say that it’s Kenny Johnson from The Shield and I’ve had a crush on him pretty much since day one.  I even watched Major League 3: Back to the Minors so I could look at him in a leotard.

Now let’s say I follow him on Twitter, because Twitter allows us to stalk people.  And then let’s say, for the fun of it, that he follows me back.  And for kicks, we’ll add that it’s just before my birthday and OMG I’M GOING TO FAINT.

Now the question is, how on earth do I communicate with this person without sounding like a drooling idiot fangirl?  The answer is, I haven’t. All I do is get up every morning to check that he still follows me, try to think of something clever to say (“I want to write a TV show where Kenny Johnson solves crimes with dinosaurs”) erase it and go about my day in a semi-neurotic state (that’s my usual mode and has nothing to do with Kenny Johnson).

I’ve never really been good at talking to boys I like.  I have two modes: Manic Pixie Dream Girl and Coy Seductress.  Mostly Manic Pixie Dream Girl, where I act all weird and goofy and bubbly, and I ask silly questions and make mix CDs because there’s this thing called the 90’s and it’s gonna be around forever.  Because more than anything, I want to be liked and I want to be adored.  I want to be special to a man, even if it’s just as a friend, and not just another series in dumb forgettable fangirls.  

So what to say to a boy I like?  According to Ms. Dix, nothing, apparently, not unlike Morrissey’s “The More You Ignore me, the Closer I Get.”