Hope you all had a VERY PLEASANT Thanksgiving!
Well, are you? ARE YOU?!? Better say yes, damn it!
This is the sequel to “What to Do On A Date” — I think Kay grew up to be Helen Gurley Brown! The move of making him get the book down from the high shelf of the locker? Classic!
“A baseball game. A date that isn’t too involved, one you can carry through comfortably” What To Do On a Date (1951)
I know literally three things about baseball: 1) It’s played with a ball, 2) There are bases involved and 3) That if you lose, you get ice cream and if you win, you get Pizza Hut. This vast knowledge was culled from three years of pee-wee softball where my coach, Doreen, would sit down on a splitering, lead-painted bench, fire up an unfiltered Kool, gather us girls around and, in between inhales which she kindly directed right into our eight-year-old faces, tell us to get out there and play without ever actually, you know, teaching us how to play. Needless to say, Becker’s softball team never saw the inside of a Pizza Hut.
But apparently, a ball game is a fun date, and Mike has been anxious to see the Oneonta Outlaws play, so we did. Mike is and always has been one of my favorite boy friends because he, having known me for nearly a decade, has figured out (more or less) how to treat me, like complimenting my skull earrings and paying for things. I remembered too late that he liked the blue eyeliner I was wearing on our last date to the drive-in, or else I would have worn it for him.
Currently NY is experience temperatures not unlike the inside of a slow cooker. It’s hot, it’s damp and it’s sunny, but the sunscreen merely lays on top of your skin like an extra layer, only unlike your cotton sundress or tee-shirt, you can’t sweat through it. Miserable conditions for a ballgame, but we’d been trying to schedule this for three weeks now and we weren’t going to let nuclear sunlight drive us away from our date.
Mike knows tons and tons and tons about baseball. He’s a Yankees fan, and the only non-jerk male Yankees fan I know, so throughout the game, he would explain stats and tell me about awesome plays he saw on YouTube. We sat in the shaded deck and then, later, in one of the empty box seats to watch the Outlaws completely blow a game against the not-much-better Syracuse Salt Cats in the first game of their double-header in what was mostly an ongoing display of Beckers-esq incompetence. (They won the second game, but I’m not sure what that does for the ice cream/pizza roster).
What was nice about the game was the relaxed atmosphere. We could have drinks and chit-chat and keep an eye on the game and cheer when one of our players did something good, but it lacked the intensity of professional sports, where you’re crowded in with superfans screaming in your ears. Plus, I also got to follow Arlene Dahl’s advice about drawing out his ideas, which I think Mike enjoyed. And making sure your partner enjoys the date is, according to the short, one of the fundamentals of dating!
So maybe next time we’ll go to a weenie roast . . . or fix up a scavenger sale!
“Drinking is not a social asset, like learning to dance well. it is only a matter of personal preference. Helen Valentine & Alice Thompson Better than Beauty.
I just read that Cat Marnell is getting paid five hundred large for her memoir about being rich and a drug addict because she’s TOTES INTERESTING, YOU GUYS. I’ve read some of her stuff, and, like hanging out with your drunk/high friends, it’s utterly boring. Because, newsflash, drugs make you insufferably dull.
But I’m not here to criticize Marnell’s boring, uninteresting, faux-edgy scraps of notebook garbage. No, rather, I’m here to write about yet another problem we women have to face, and that’s the pressure to be a “hot mess.”
I’m pretty straight-edge. I drink tea and coffee, sure, and I have a glass of wine once in awhile (like, maybe once a month) I’ve never smoked or touched drugs, and I even hesitate to take prescriptions. In the literary sense, that means I am boring. I don’t know if it’s some sort of misguided attempt at feminism (GIRLS CAN DO DRUGS JUST AS WELL AS BOYS!!!) or what, but the rich-girl-on-party-drugs memoir seems to remain a trend long after the publication of Prozac Nation and Smashed (both of which were boring and made me want to hit the narrator).
At the risk of sounding old, doing drugs does not make you interesting. Being rich and doing drugs makes you even less interesting. The fact that you were strung out at Fashion Week, Ms. Marnell, does not a good story make. Instead of making you seem fashionable, it merely makes you exactly what you are–a spoiled, selfish, rich whiny tramp.
But driving to go see Jurassic Park the other night, a bunch of drunk girls staggered out in front of our car, screaming in the face-melting banshee way only drunk girls can scream. One of them, the fat friend of the group (in Oneonta, the ratio is 3 party girls to 1 fat friend), was wearing cutoff shorts crammed so far up her chubby cheeks they could be considered a g-string and a shapeless crop top with considerable flab hanging out over the acid-washed waistband of the aforementioned shorts. And all I could wonder was did she look in the mirror and think damn, I look good! And at the end of this night, when she’s puking her guts out in the garbage can of the dorm room of whatever guy drew the short straw to take her home, will she still be thinking damn, this is the best night of my life!
I don’t know. I’m not one of those types of girls. Maybe it’s because I never had the money or the glamour to get away with it. Maybe D.A.R.E worked, I don’t know. But one time I asked Matthew if he though I was boring because I’d never done drugs (or even been drunk, for that matter) and although he said “of course not,” I wish I could go back to that Me and tell her “Even if he (or anyone else) says yes, darling, he can go cook a radish, because you are more interesting than any angel-dusted trollop could ever be.”
If I’m going to cook for Ian and my Panel of Gentlemen, I guess I’d better learn how to buy food–that Hannaford can be so confusing sometimes!