Tag Archives: Always Ask a Man

Throwing Shade

“Perhaps Arab women, swathed in veils, and Victorian maidens screening their complexions with scarves and parasols have the right idea”  Arlene Dahl, Always Ask a Man.

I was blessed with a lovely alabaster complexion that turns a hellfire red if I’m out in the sun for more than eleven seconds.  I usually slather on a nice SPF 50 before going out of the mail, but I decided to try out my vintage Chinese paper parasol, because I’m fancy.

It was cumbersome at first and took a bit to get used to.  I had to lug that and my purse, and I wasn’t going far, just from the car to the mall.  But I got a ton of compliments.

I went out to Brewery Ommegang with Mike, thinking we’d get some beers, eat some lunch and walk around the grounds.  I was still wearing high heels, but I figured that the grass was lush enough where I was going to kick them off.

We decided to eat outside because it was so beautiful out, but with two master’s degrees between us, we couldn’t figure out how to get the table umbrella up.  Ah well, I thought to myself, setting down my parasol.  We’ll only be here long enough to eat and then I’ll walk around with my parasol up.

Two hours later we’re still sitting there, just talk talk talking, and my arm and shoulder has turned bright, bright red.  And it hurt.  

So much for my delicate pale skin.  We’ll try the parasol when my 3rd degree sunburn finally heals.  But for now, aloe and long sleeves

  

Kiss & Make Up: Part II

Last night I tried Arlene’s suggestion that I wear pale lipstick to bed.  Now lipstick and I have never gotten along.  Within mere moments of me putting it on, I look like Courtney Love.  I’ve tried Wet ‘n’ Wild, Sephora, Victoria’s Secret (the worst, by far) and nothing, nothing stays on my lips.

I wore a little pink lipstick to bed, and was fully prepared for Ian, who came in after I was asleep, to wake up next to me screaming. But surprisingly, I did not wake up looking like the Joker.  It must have all come off on my pillow, which since I have dark red pillowcases, is just fine.  Because there’s nothing worse than waking up to a screaming husband who thinks you have mutated/OD’d.

Kiss and Make-Up

“I’m all for wearing a few touches of make-up to bed.”  Arlene Dahl, Always Ask a Man.

I barely wear makeup in the daytime, let alone at night.  I never really learned how to put makeup on, (which is something I’ll learn later in this adventure) so it’s always more fuss than it’s worth-my lipstick vanishes, my eyeliner smears and my mascara just makes me look scary.  

But last night I tried Arlene’s tip; with a little blue eyeliner, a little pink sparkly shadow and some black mascara.  Ian looked at me funny when I came out of the bathroom, and I was sure that by the end of the night, I would look like I just got roughed up at a metal concert.

To my surprise, not a whole lot of it was left when I got up.  There was a little hint of eyeshadow and a faint sparkle of eyeliner, but of course, I’m supposed to get up and be ready before Ian even opens his eyes, so I’d have time to redo all of it.

I didn’t, of course, and am now rocking this awesome “partied all night” look, which is, personally, how I kind of dig my makeup anyways.

The Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore

Never top a man’s joke” Arlene Dahl, Always Ask a Man

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  My friend Eeon is the funniest person I know.  We’ve been discussing Justified over email for the past few days, and while I’m writing thoughtful thesis-length essays on Raylan’s contributions to the continuing patriarchy, he’s writing that a better scenario would be if Raylan had a robot sidekick named Wyatt Earp (voiced by Val Kilmer)

Yeah, I can’t top that.  All I could do was laugh until I almost choked, which is my general reaction when I hang out with Eeon (or Pete–the two of them combined are just about deadly.  All the laughing is a good ab workout, though)

Not topping anyone’s joke is a good practice to get into.  There comes a time when someone has just told the funniest story you’re going to hear in that moment, and telling an inferior one will only bring the room down.  We’re so obsessed with having the last word, being the smartest, the funniest, the most awesome, that we stomp all over other people just to be that.

Next time someone tells a joke, just laugh at it.  Tell them they’re funny.  You’ll have time to tell yours a little later, and hopefully, they’ll give you the same generous stage.

The windmill worked wonders for my waist, but that’s about all I can say.  Maybe if I kept doing them longer, I might see some more serious results, but seeing as how I pulled my back and tortured my neck doing them, the first time,. I think I’ll try something else.

To be honest, I’m really not a fan of workouts.  I had one I followed for a little while, but when we moved, I fell out of practice.  Ian goes to the gym, but I’m just waiting out spring so that I can get back on my bike.    I like my exercise to have a purpose, like going to the store to buy chips.  I like to get somewhere.  I like to see scenery and I like to go at my own pace. And when I’m on my bike, I can daydream, I can sort through the day’s worries, plot new story ideas or just breathe deep and not think at all.  When I do a workout routine, I’m just watching TV, which is something I do too much of anyway.

So maybe biking isn’t not ladylike, but it sure as hell beats laying on the floor writhing around like I’m possessed by Satan.

Geek Girl Gets Hurt

In the pursuit of fab fitness, your glamorous geek pulled a muscle in her neck and is now existing on  a steady diet of ibuprofin, muscle relaxants and bad cop shows.

But in the bonus column, my waist looks FABULOUS . . . even if the windmills did pull out my back.

My full report will be on your desks tomorrow.  For now, HEATING PAD!

 

Workout, Day 4

“To Slim Inner Thighs: Stand on tiptoe with feet together and, without moving forth from that spot, “prance” in position.  The brisk, back and forth motion will slap the inner thighs and knees together, reducing excess fat.  Continue running in place for one minute.” Arlene Dahl, Always Ask A Man

Image

I’m a Maniac! (Good God, do I really look like that?!?)

There’s something instinctively Flashdance about this motion, but yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s not how exercise works.  But then again, maybe I’m not “prancing” correctly.  I’m sort of not sure how this one works, to tell you the truth.  

Had to skip the windmills tonight.  I think I pulled my back . . . badly.  Beauty hurts.  (Whoopie Pies, on the other hand, do not!)